"Like fine china that doesn't get brought out for everyday use, the hardest things - the things we have the most right to be angry about - are often kept hidden away in the cabinet."
The past several months have been challenging to say the least. I’ve recognized the ugly face of anger rising within my heart, stomach churning, temperature rising, feelings aroused in me that I had not experienced for decades. (Oh, just saying that makes me sound ‘old.’)
I managed the feelings, suppressed them, held them in, exhibited self control so that I did not lash out and hurt those around me. Or did I?
As time passed, I found myself increasingly bothered by things that previously didn’t faze me. I began noticing every annoying detail, every nuanced word that someone spoke, the unusual awkward and cold silences, the actions and inactions of people around me were amplified.
“I did not only feel angry, I was thinking angry.” I was agitated, I saw faults easily, focus grew difficult, joy was diminished as controlling my anger became my full time preoccupation.
Growing colder and more calculated seemed like the reasonable response, but even this did not appease or silence the inner turmoil I was feeling.
When working my concentration would be interrupted by ‘flashbacks’. In those brief moments I was carried in my minds eye back to the moments in my childhood where I witnessed domestic abuse.
Fear and anger would boil inside of me again. Desire to stand up for the oppressed consumed me while feeling helpless to do so. Then shame. “Why cannot I not control these feelings?” “Why am I only seeing the negative, when I used to see the positive so readily?” “I say I’m a Christian, I should not be feeling like this, with such intensity.” I’d pray, hold my tongue, suppress it more, until I broke.
I lashed out at our dog. The most vulnerable creature you could imagine and I yelled at him in a way I never had before as I felt anger rush through my body and come out as rage.
He immediately cowered, lowering himself to the ground and posturing himself in the most submissive pose you could imagine. His eyes spoke of both fear and sadness and my heart melted. I was sad, I was sorry, I never wanted him to ‘obey out of fear’ but rather out of a loving respect for me and I had crossed the line.
I looked at Finn and apologized, stroked him gently and he crawled up into my lap as if to say, “You’re forgiven.”
This scared me, scared me enough to know that something much deeper needed to be rooted out in my life and that I did not want to continue living like this.
I picked up my phone, called a friend, and asked for help.
During the course of conversation he mentioned a book, Good and Angry by David Powlison, a book that might help me gain perspective on anger and walk through it in a much healthier manner.
Today, I am almost through the book and reflective exercises and sit today with a level of peace within my heart that I have not enjoyed for months.
Given my own experience with anger, navigating it’s complexities, and desire to do so in a God honouring way, I’d highly recommend this book to you for a couple of reasons.
- This book is not simply about anger management, it is about consistently reorienting us to God’s redemptive purposes for anger against real wrongs.
- I am confident that this will help you orient yourself toward a healthy view of anger.
- It could very well be an excellent resource for you as you work with your own children in dealing constructively with their own anger.
Until next time, let’s look toward redeeming anger for it’s intended redemptive purposes and together we can make a difference in the world in which we live.
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Gregory Bland
