There’s nothing quite like having a meaningful, heartfelt conversation with one of our children. As they’ve matured and recognized that Mommy and Daddy truly value their thoughts and feelings, these moments have become more frequent.
My journey toward honing the skills of coaching began years ago, back when I was a pastor for children and youth. I grew frustrated when my attempts at meaningful conversation with them fell short. One word answers and short shallow conversations were very dissatisfying.
As I wrestled with this relational reality I came to realize that the issue wasn’t with the children themselves but rather with the way I was approaching these conversations.
I noticed that my questions were often shallow and could be answered with a simple yes or no. Moreover, some questions projected my own thoughts and feelings onto them, rather than encouraging them to express themselves freely.
For example, I’d ask something like,
- “How was your week at school?”
- “Are you and your family going anywhere for March break?”
- “Does that excite you?”
- “Does that bother you?”
Reading those first two questions, you quickly recognize they were always met with short, simple answers. The next two questions projected my thoughts and feelings upon them as opposed to drawing out what they may be experiencing, thinking, and feeling themselves.
It’s no wonder my conversations lacked depth and meaning.
With this fresh realization my personal challenge began. I was going to have longer conversations with two children or youth each week and hone my ability to draw them out in conversation.
First, I began to craft questions that begged for longer more thoughtful answers. Secondly, I made a commitment to listen to their responses, not cut them off or interject my thoughts upon them in any way. This would allow me to hear their thoughts and hopefully follow-up with another question to keep them engaged.
Now instead of asking, “How was your week at school?” I started asking, “What was a highlight of your week?” or “What made you smile today?” or “What was a significant challenge you faced this week?”
This shift encouraged longer, more meaningful responses and I learned the value of embracing silence and giving them space to express themselves without interruption.
Overall it was an incredible experience! It was fun, it was enlightening, and it was challenging. I discovered what questions worked best for different personalities. For instance, with the ‘feelers’ I encountered I would follow up with “How did that make you feel?” or “What feelings did that arouse in you?” and let them share. With the ‘thinkers’ I’d follow up with, ““What did you think of that? Or “What thoughts were sparked in your mind?” then quietly listen.
This experiment grew into much more than simply having two ‘longer’ conversations a week with students; it transformed my thinking and set a new course for my conversations with students, others’ within my sphere of influence, and eventually my own children.
I had three significant learnings through this season of ministry: firstly, when given the right environment, children and youth are eager to share their thoughts and feelings. Secondly, as our conversations deepened, they started asking me questions in return, expecting the same openness from me. And finally, when I responded openly and transparently it deepened our relational connection.
My key takeaway was this: children and youth are eager to share their thoughts and feelings when the environment is right and they are given the opportunity to do so.
As my wife Lynn and I have applied these coaching principles within our family we have experienced a remarkable openness from our children. Cultivating the heart, skills, and disciplines of Pro-Active Parent Coaching has opened doors to deeper connections within our relationships, and we believe it can do the same for you.
Until next time, consider the questions you ask your children and the environment they foster.
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Gregory Bland
** originally published on Pro-Active Parent Coaching in December 2011
*** photo credit:pexels-ketut-subiyanto-4473812