October Baby new movie to inspire us with the value of life.
“You saw me before I was born.” Psalm 139:16 (NLT)
As the curtain rises, Hannah hesitantly steps onto the stage for her theatrical debut in college. Yet before she can utter her first lines, Hannah—unscripted—collapses in front of the stunned audience.
After countless medical tests, all signs point to one underlying factor: Hannah’s difficult birth. This revelation is nothing compared to what she then learns from her parents: she was actually adopted … after a failed abortion attempt.
Bewildered, angered, and confused, Hannah turns for support to Jason, her oldest friend. Encouraged by his adventurous spirit, Hannah joins his group of friends on a Spring Break road trip, embarking on a journey to discover her hidden past … and find hope for her unknown future.
In the midst of her incredible journey, Hannah finds that life can be so much more than what you have planned.
Watch the Trailer here.
Supporting our Children’s Growth the EASEy way Part 2 by Gregory Bland
2nd Article in Series Supporting our Children’s Growth the EASEy way (Read Part 1)
Assessing Desire is a critical step within Supporting Growth prior to Securing Commitment. If we try to secure a commitment toward an action prior to Assessing Desire we will short-circuit the process and potentially call our children to Commit to something they are not prepared to, or desire to, follow through with. Assessing Desire assures that our child ‘owns’ the action they are committing to and not simply doing it because Mom or Dad think it’s a great idea or are ‘telling them’ to.
The biggest obstacle to growth and change is motivation, not information. (Tony Stoltzfus) Knowing what to do does not produce change; there must be desire for change for people to create and keep their action steps. Like us, our children are most motivated to act upon their own ideas, which we have established through Exploring Possibilities. As we continue Supporting their Growth, we transition to Assessing Desire, to determine what they are most motivated to work on, in order to Secure Commitment to that which they will most naturally follow through with.
Questions we have in mind are . . .
- What is my child motivated to work on?
- How motivated are they?
- What do they want to do?
Most of the time this will be a relatively quick and easy step for us because;
- the possibilities have already been considered to some degree in the Exploration phase.
- one or two may stick out within their mind as something they would like to pursue further.
- the possibilities are of their own design, so that has a high degree of attractiveness to them.
- our child has been directly involved in the process which piques curiosity, raises responsibility, and increases ‘buy in.’
In Assessing Desire, we simply draw our child’s attention back to the possibilities they mentioned and ask something like,
- As you consider these possibilities, (say them), which appeals most to you?
- You have thought of some great possibilities here, which would you like to pursue?
- What would you like to do?
- _________________________________________________________________ (your thoughts)
Observe Assessing Desire in action in the following Coaching Conversation with Hannah.
| Parent Coaching Conversation“Umm, no I can’t think of anything else, Dad.” “That’s ok, you have thought of some great ideas here, would you like to consider them now?” “Sure “You have thought of making crafts to sell, having a yard sale, and doing some yard work like raking leaves and such. So when you consider these possibilities, what would you really like to do?” “Hmm, the yard sale is pretty easy, but I don’t think I’d make much at that. The last one we had, I only made a few dollars and that isn’t going to do. You know, I think the best thing for me to do would be to make the crafts.” “OK, what attracts you to the crafts?” “Well, there are a couple of things. I already have a lot of photos taken, and I wonder if I could use them in some way to make a craft to sell. Mom mentioned that a group is getting together and renting a booth at the mall to sell stuff at in November. We could join with them and the crafts I make could be sold there.” “That’s a good idea! So what kind of craft do you think you can make with the photos?” “Well, we could make calendars out of them and sell them to the people.” “Yes, that sounds good. Is there anything else you can think of?” “We could also make some greeting cards and maybe even bookmarks.” “Great ideas, is this something you would like to do?” “Yes, I would love to do this, it would be fun, and I think I could earn enough money this way, too.”
|
ObservationsWe have exhausted the possibilities that Hannah can come up with. I ask if she would like to consider them. Asking keeps Hannah responsible for the direction of the conversation.
I restate what possibilities she thought up. Allow Hannah to share her thoughts/feelings. Ask for clarification here, so I can continue Assessing her Desire. Affirm her idea, at the same time keep Hannah responsible for how this would look. Move to a direct question and ask specifically, Is this something you would like to do?” |
In Assessing Desire we are observing for energy, words, tone of voice, and body language. This helps us understand their level of desire and motivation toward the the possibility they are talking about. What you could not hear reading the above conversation was the building of momentum as the idea came alive within Hannah’s mind. It becomes very apparent that her desire is to move toward creating calendars, greeting cards, and bookmarks and is noticed in the words, “I would love to do this.”
This gives us a greater understanding of what to call our children to commit to. In the next post we will look at Securing Commitment.
By way of reflection consider the following.
- What benefit do you perceive Assessing Desire before Securing Commitment has?
- What does this step in the coaching conversation do for us as parents?
- What can I do today, to begin implementing this stage within my own parent coaching conversations?
Until next time,
Enjoy your journey into Pro-Active Parent Coaching
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Gregory Bland
* Article also posted on Christian Coaching Center
*Gregory and Lynn Bland currently reside in beautiful Nova Scotia, Canada. They have recently completed writing their parent coaching book, “Pro-Active Parent Coaching: Capturing the Heart of Your Child, A Parent’s Guide to Coaching.” Additionally they are providing pastoral care, and participate in various speaking engagements. For more information visit Pro-Active Parent Coaching or write to greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com.
Copyright 2012 Gregory Bland | Pro-ActiveParentCoaching | Nova Scotia | Canada | greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com
New Book “Dad Rules: Simple Manual for a Complex Job” by Treion Muller
I just received the manuscript for “Dad Rules: Simple Manual for a Complex Job” that is being released in April 2012. After opening the the book, I began to read and was captivated by Treion’s writing style. It is a well written, witty, and insightful book that will make you smile, laugh out loud, and seriously consider your influence as a Dad. Upon completion of this great book, I will post more thoughts for your consideration. If you would like to know a bit more about the book, check out Treion’s website, and slip on over and pre-order your copy today. I am confident you will enjoy it.
Until next time, remember the influence you have upon your children!
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Gregory Bland
Giving the TV a Much Needed Break by Gregory Bland
It seems it might be time to give our TV that much needed break. The noise has echoed down our hallway much too long, lulling those who sit and gaze into its monstrous eye toward passivity. Research has already shown the incredible effects of tv viewing upon our children and teens but think about the amount of time that is spent in this passive activity.
“The latest study by Kaiser foundation indicates that the next generation is already addicted to TV. The study found that kids, age 8-18, still watch about 4 hours of TV per day. On top of TV, they spend a couple hours playing with video games and computers. The grand total for kids was 6 hours 20 minutes per day. The study avoids the “A” word, but how else would you describe a generation who watches so much TV, videos, and games that they are labeled the “M” (Media) Generation?”
The next time your child is watching tv observe them and consider, “What is my child doing (or better yet not doing) while they are sitting here gazing at the tv?”
My heart as a Dad is to maximize every opportunity I can to create an environment of relational connection with my children/teens. With statistics indicating that children and teens are spending several hours each day in front of the television my mind races with the potential of redeeming this time that would otherwise be wasted.
What potential benefits do you see taking place within the family if we simply redeemed the time that is being spent in front of the television set?
One of the biggest benefits within my own mind is the potential for fostering an environment of relational connection with my children. I understand that every moment we spend together may not result in that deep heartfelt conversation, but I desire to create an environment in which these conversations can take place most naturally. Simply put, quality time takes place amidst the quantity time.
I guess one of the hardest things to consider is, what do we do once we have flicked the switch to off and are left sitting, staring at one another?
Over the course of the next few posts, I will relay ideas to you that you can take, tweak, alter in a way that fits your family and lifestyle. May this be a rich and rewarding relational experience for you and your family. Be warned though, if this is something that is new to you and your family, it may seem awkward at first, but as you persist you may begin to experience symptoms of growing love, appreciation, and respect for one another.
TV Free Ideas:
- Revisit the old board games. Some of our greatest evenings together have been set around some old stand bys. Cranium, Trouble, Yahtzee, Monopoly, Sorry, and many others. Break them out of the storage room, blow off the dust and see what can take place.
- Invite some friends over. Often we would invite friends over if we had the time. I have always found it interesting that people would sit and watch a show called friends as opposed to inviting friends over to hang out. With the newfound time on your hands, it may be great for your family to reconnect with some old friends.
- Read together. Reading together can be an incredibly rewarding time and creates memories that can last a lifetime. Allowing your imagination to take you to the places you’re reading about, and acting the stories out can be a great time for family fun and laughter.
- Pass along your skills. Can you play an instrument? Are you good at woodworking, sewing, or knitting? What practical skills can you pass along to your children while creating an environment of relational connection together?
- Serve someone else. In a day and age that tends to serve itself, it does our children a world of good to see and participate in activities that serve others. Is there are retirement or seniors home that would welcome a family visiting some of their shut ins? Are their local stables and / or farms that you could offer your help to? Shelters, places that provide care for the less fortunate that would welcome a family to their volunteer base? All of these are great opportunities to instill values within your children while serving together as a family.
Give it a shot, what comes to your mind as you consider redeeming the time with your family?
Until next time,
Enjoy your time together as a family.
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Greg
Sources:
Television Addiction Is No Mere Metaphor by Robert Kubey and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Generation M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year-olds Kaiser Family Foundation Report
Tips for Television Viewing with your Children/Teens
There is no question that TV has a powerful influence upon us and our children. The following are some tips to maximize your impact upon your child’s viewing habits. (Adapted from The American Academy of Pediatrics)
1. Begin talking with (not at) your children while they are young about the television programs, movies, and media they use.
2. Set viewing rules for the family, as a family. (Personally we have found that our children have been “harder on themselves” than we would have been, so as parents we have the opportunity to give them extra and seem like the good guys here.)
3. Look for television shows/movies with healthy messages and role models. Include educational programs. A purely entertaining show to simply relax with can be ok, but don’t let this become the main staple.
4. Your family television diet will be most successful when accompanied by activities. According to the AAP, “TV programs should be a spring board to spur curiosity, discussion, and learning.” For example, ask your children questions about what they observed and learned from watching the program, or what values the characters in the show display.
5. Teach your children how to critically view the shows they watch, so they can recognize motives, techniques, and agendas. Which will foster a healthier critical mind when they are teens.
6. Whenever possible, watch shows/movies together. This maximizes teachable moments and provides a natural connecting time as well.
Sharing Responsibility within our Household
What a privilege we have to prepare our children for life beyond the shelter of our homes. As our children mature, we have the privilege of releasing greater responsibility to them as they build a reservoir of experience and wisdom from which to draw throughout life. Our goal, as parents, of course is to equip our children with the necessary life skills they will need when they launch out from the shelter of our home.
Our children’s natural & growing desire to carry responsibility, understanding of what it takes to run a household, live in relational community and cooperation can be encouraged from a very young age. One way this can be accomplished is by simply including them in the daily operations of the household. Something parents have commonly called ‘chores.’
The key difference with our suggested approach though is this, it is a collaborative family effort, as opposed to a parent unilaterally assigning tasks to each family member.
With the uniqueness of each child and member of a household, there will be natural attraction toward various tasks/functions within a household that is in keeping with their design, interests, and desires. Of course, there will be those items that no one “likes” to do, and it is these that offer us an opportunity to teach another important value. (more on that later)
The Family Gathering:
Prior to ‘calling’ a family gathering there are some basic principles to consider.
a) Ensure you are in a healthy emotional state. Your own attitude will greatly impact the tone of the gathering.
b) If you are married, ensure that you are in agreement prior to the family gathering. This is easily recognized by children.
c) Select a time and date which allows everyone to participate with sufficient uninterrupted time.
d) Be clear about the purpose of the gathering. Nothing can be more intimidating to our children than Dad or Mom calling a ‘family meeting’ and not sharing what the purpose of it is. This leaves the children’s mind open to wander into unhealthy areas. Be clear, it alleviates fear.
Purpose:
The purpose of a family gathering of this nature is to create a sense of community, belonging, and cooperation with the family. It is an incredible way to release responsibility to our children, have them exercise their thinking capacity by exploring what it takes to run a household, and values them as an important part of the family.
Communication tips:
* Set the tone of cooperation and the sense that “we’re all in this together.” This is a great opportunity to inspire our children with how important they are to the overall functioning of the household. If you are a Dad facilitating this discussion, it is a great opportunity to honor Mom for the value she adds to the household, but also communicating that housework is not simply woman’s work. To function healthily, it is a shared responsibility, which fits the unique nature of each person in the household.
* Honor and affirm their worth, value, and importance to the family as a whole.
* Honor the child’s maturity and be specific about the ways in which they have already begun carrying responsibility and added value to the household/family.
* Give ample time for the children to add to the conversation. Honor their ideas and thoughts.
Ask:
As you think about our household what things do you see that need to be cared for on a regular basis? (Tailor to your personality)
Brainstorm. (decide what will be the best method of marking down the ideas that are mentioned. Personally, I like to ensure it is visible to everyone in the discussion so I use large sheets of paper. Additionally, this is participatory, so allow everyone to have an opportunity to add to the list.)
Allow the children to think through and share their own thoughts. You may be surprised just how much they know about what it takes to run a household.
When it seems like they have exhausted all of their ideas, ask again, “What else might there be that we have not considered ?”
When they have exhausted their ideas. If there were items missed you can then add them, or ask further questions to draw them out.
Observing the List:
Take a few minutes and have the children observe the list. I like to have them talk about what they see and why that might be important to the healthy functioning of the household.
The idea here is to expand our children’s thinking when it comes to the responsibilities of running a household.
Have the children consider the following.
Ask: How often do each of these things need to be done?
Daily, Weekly, Monthly. (You may label them as such to keep the visual reality present.)
Ask: Tell me what things you may enjoy doing and are willing to take responsibility for. (Take the lead. Choose something yourself, simply so they know you are not trying to offload all the work onto them.)
Allow your children sufficient time to consider and respond. (We have found that our children have sometimes chosen to work in partners on various tasks.)
Thought to consider: Be aware of potential opportunities in the day to day operations of your household that may naturally lend themselves toward relational connection and teachable moments. For example, dishwashers are very handy, but spending the time washing dishes together can be a great opportunity for conversation with our children.
No doubt, there will be some less than desirable items on the list that are not quickly picked up. In our home this is dog droppings on the lawn. This is a good teaching moment. Although it’s not desirable, we cannot ignore it. Someone has to step up and serve. It is with these items that we choose to ‘serve’ one another because of our love and commitment to the family as a whole.
Ask, what item on this list are you willing to do as an act of service/love for the benefit of our family?
I’d suggest that you take the lead in the less desirable areas, (like stooping and scooping) which gives you the ‘right’ to ask others to follow your example. The idea is to create a healthy family atmosphere, not get our children to do all the work for us.
When those less desirable elements are cared for you move toward calling for accountability. As you lead into this, affirm again the process to this point.
* Thank them for their insight, ideas, discussion, and willingness to carry responsibility.
* Affirm that their participation in this way will contribute to the overall health of the family.
* Tell them how proud you are of them today.
* Other affirmations:
Say:
Now that we recognize what needs to be done, and have committed to it, how can we make sure that we follow through with our commitments?
Allow them time to think of ways to ensure work is done.
(Charts, printouts, fridge magnets, etc.)
When several ideas are presented, then move to making a decision about the one you will experiment with first.
You could say. ”You have mentioned some great ideas here. What would you like to try first?”
When the family has decided on an accountability structure, set a start date, and celebrate together.
This has proven to be an effective way within our family of teaching shared responsibility within the household. I trust that it helps you too.
Until next time
Enjoy your journey into Pro-Active Parent Coaching
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Gregory Bland