Tips for Television Viewing with your Children/Teens
There is no question that TV has a powerful influence upon us and our children. The following are some tips to maximize your impact upon your child’s viewing habits. (Adapted from The American Academy of Pediatrics)
1. Begin talking with (not at) your children while they are young about the television programs, movies, and media they use.
2. Set viewing rules for the family, as a family. (Personally we have found that our children have been “harder on themselves” than we would have been, so as parents we have the opportunity to give them extra and seem like the good guys here.)
3. Look for television shows/movies with healthy messages and role models. Include educational programs. A purely entertaining show to simply relax with can be ok, but don’t let this become the main staple.
4. Your family television diet will be most successful when accompanied by activities. According to the AAP, “TV programs should be a spring board to spur curiosity, discussion, and learning.” For example, ask your children questions about what they observed and learned from watching the program, or what values the characters in the show display.
5. Teach your children how to critically view the shows they watch, so they can recognize motives, techniques, and agendas. Which will foster a healthier critical mind when they are teens.
6. Whenever possible, watch shows/movies together. This maximizes teachable moments and provides a natural connecting time as well.
Sharing Responsibility within our Household
What a privilege we have to prepare our children for life beyond the shelter of our homes. As our children mature, we have the privilege of releasing greater responsibility to them as they build a reservoir of experience and wisdom from which to draw throughout life. Our goal, as parents, of course is to equip our children with the necessary life skills they will need when they launch out from the shelter of our home.
Our children’s natural & growing desire to carry responsibility, understanding of what it takes to run a household, live in relational community and cooperation can be encouraged from a very young age. One way this can be accomplished is by simply including them in the daily operations of the household. Something parents have commonly called ‘chores.’
The key difference with our suggested approach though is this, it is a collaborative family effort, as opposed to a parent unilaterally assigning tasks to each family member.
With the uniqueness of each child and member of a household, there will be natural attraction toward various tasks/functions within a household that is in keeping with their design, interests, and desires. Of course, there will be those items that no one “likes” to do, and it is these that offer us an opportunity to teach another important value. (more on that later)
The Family Gathering:
Prior to ‘calling’ a family gathering there are some basic principles to consider.
a) Ensure you are in a healthy emotional state. Your own attitude will greatly impact the tone of the gathering.
b) If you are married, ensure that you are in agreement prior to the family gathering. This is easily recognized by children.
c) Select a time and date which allows everyone to participate with sufficient uninterrupted time.
d) Be clear about the purpose of the gathering. Nothing can be more intimidating to our children than Dad or Mom calling a ‘family meeting’ and not sharing what the purpose of it is. This leaves the children’s mind open to wander into unhealthy areas. Be clear, it alleviates fear.
Purpose:
The purpose of a family gathering of this nature is to create a sense of community, belonging, and cooperation with the family. It is an incredible way to release responsibility to our children, have them exercise their thinking capacity by exploring what it takes to run a household, and values them as an important part of the family.
Communication tips:
* Set the tone of cooperation and the sense that “we’re all in this together.” This is a great opportunity to inspire our children with how important they are to the overall functioning of the household. If you are a Dad facilitating this discussion, it is a great opportunity to honor Mom for the value she adds to the household, but also communicating that housework is not simply woman’s work. To function healthily, it is a shared responsibility, which fits the unique nature of each person in the household.
* Honor and affirm their worth, value, and importance to the family as a whole.
* Honor the child’s maturity and be specific about the ways in which they have already begun carrying responsibility and added value to the household/family.
* Give ample time for the children to add to the conversation. Honor their ideas and thoughts.
Ask:
As you think about our household what things do you see that need to be cared for on a regular basis? (Tailor to your personality)
Brainstorm. (decide what will be the best method of marking down the ideas that are mentioned. Personally, I like to ensure it is visible to everyone in the discussion so I use large sheets of paper. Additionally, this is participatory, so allow everyone to have an opportunity to add to the list.)
Allow the children to think through and share their own thoughts. You may be surprised just how much they know about what it takes to run a household.
When it seems like they have exhausted all of their ideas, ask again, “What else might there be that we have not considered ?”
When they have exhausted their ideas. If there were items missed you can then add them, or ask further questions to draw them out.
Observing the List:
Take a few minutes and have the children observe the list. I like to have them talk about what they see and why that might be important to the healthy functioning of the household.
The idea here is to expand our children’s thinking when it comes to the responsibilities of running a household.
Have the children consider the following.
Ask: How often do each of these things need to be done?
Daily, Weekly, Monthly. (You may label them as such to keep the visual reality present.)
Ask: Tell me what things you may enjoy doing and are willing to take responsibility for. (Take the lead. Choose something yourself, simply so they know you are not trying to offload all the work onto them.)
Allow your children sufficient time to consider and respond. (We have found that our children have sometimes chosen to work in partners on various tasks.)
Thought to consider: Be aware of potential opportunities in the day to day operations of your household that may naturally lend themselves toward relational connection and teachable moments. For example, dishwashers are very handy, but spending the time washing dishes together can be a great opportunity for conversation with our children.
No doubt, there will be some less than desirable items on the list that are not quickly picked up. In our home this is dog droppings on the lawn. This is a good teaching moment. Although it’s not desirable, we cannot ignore it. Someone has to step up and serve. It is with these items that we choose to ‘serve’ one another because of our love and commitment to the family as a whole.
Ask, what item on this list are you willing to do as an act of service/love for the benefit of our family?
I’d suggest that you take the lead in the less desirable areas, (like stooping and scooping) which gives you the ‘right’ to ask others to follow your example. The idea is to create a healthy family atmosphere, not get our children to do all the work for us.
When those less desirable elements are cared for you move toward calling for accountability. As you lead into this, affirm again the process to this point.
* Thank them for their insight, ideas, discussion, and willingness to carry responsibility.
* Affirm that their participation in this way will contribute to the overall health of the family.
* Tell them how proud you are of them today.
* Other affirmations:
Say:
Now that we recognize what needs to be done, and have committed to it, how can we make sure that we follow through with our commitments?
Allow them time to think of ways to ensure work is done.
(Charts, printouts, fridge magnets, etc.)
When several ideas are presented, then move to making a decision about the one you will experiment with first.
You could say. ”You have mentioned some great ideas here. What would you like to try first?”
When the family has decided on an accountability structure, set a start date, and celebrate together.
This has proven to be an effective way within our family of teaching shared responsibility within the household. I trust that it helps you too.
Until next time
Enjoy your journey into Pro-Active Parent Coaching
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Gregory Bland
Supporting Growth the EASEy Way by Gregory Bland
“That’s a very interesting situation. What do you think you could do?”
What is the possibility for growth that is presented in this moment? When understanding is reached we begin turning our child’s attention toward Exploring Possibilities.
Turning our children’s mind toward the possibility presented can be as simple as asking;
- “What are the possibilities that you see here?”
- “What could you do in this situation?”
- “What options do you have?”
- “What is the best way forward?”
As a Pro-Active Parent Coach our focus is upon Supporting our child’s Growth and development. With this in mind we intentionally avoid diagnosing, problem solving, and offering solutions to our children. Rather, we foster and support our children’s growth by keeping responsibility with them by asking them to think about and explore the possibilities they are presented with. (Notice the questions above naturally assume the child is responsible.)
Our role as a parent coach is to ask & listen, not diagnose and tell. Giving them the opportunity to dream about the possibilities is a rich and rewarding experience both for us as parents and for our children. From the child’s perspective, they get to ‘be grown up’ and take responsibility. Chad (age 12) commented, “Dreaming about my own possibilities was a really neat experience. I got to dream a bit, and then choose something I wanted to do. That was pretty cool.” As a parent, it is exciting, and rewarding to see the creativity our children possess when we give them the opportunity to take responsibility and dream about the possibilities facing them.
Over the course of the next few articles we will break down the Supporting Growth parent coaching model so you may see it in action.
The following conversation took place with my daughter, Hannah, a couple years ago.
| Parent Coaching Conversation“Dad, I’ve been thinking that this year I would like to buy everyone Christmas presents by myself.” “Really, you know you don’t have to do that right? “Yeah, I know, but I’d really like to.” “That’s very thoughtful of you. I guess you are growing up aren’t you! Do you know what you want to purchase?” “Well, over the past little while I’ve been looking at stuff at the stores that I think everyone would like. I have a rough idea of how much the gifts would cost me.” “Ok.” “I want to spend between $15.00 and $20.00 on each person in our family, so I will need around $150.00.” “That’s very generous Hannah.” “Thank you. But there’s one problem.” “What’s that?” “I am not sure how I can get that much money.” “Oh? Well I might be able to help you with that. Do you mind if I ask you some questions and maybe we can come up with some possibilities on how you can earn enough money?” “Yeah, that would be great.” |
ObservationsI affirm her thoughtfulness and ask a direct question about how much money she will need. The growth opportunity here for Hannah is taking responsibility for purchasing gifts on her own, and growing in her ability to create possibilities for earning money.
Hannah’s objective is stated: $150.00. Although in my mind I think that she is going to talk about money, I let her direct the conversation. This ensures that she is in taking responsibility, but also keeps me from jumping to conclusions and/or directing the conversation the wrong way. Asking permission honors Hannah and allows her to maintain control within the conversation. She begins to Explore Possibilities. Asking ‘what else’, allows her to stretch her thinking and consider more possibilities. Allowing her time to think moves her beyond the obvious, or what she may have considered herself, into the creative realm. |
Exploring Possibilities, is a simple way to begin releasing responsibility to our children. We ask them to look at themselves, what is currently happening within them, and begin moving toward growth in those areas.
When several possibilities are ‘on the table’ we will turn our attention toward Assessing Desire so that we can determine which area to Secure Commitment.
Practical Application
This week, when your child comes to you with a ‘dilemma’ or ‘situation they are facing,’ resist the temptation to problem solve, and offer your solutions. Instead begin asking them what they believe the possibilities are? Allow them to explore and articulate what is in their heart and mind.
As you use this method, pay particular attention to what happens within your child and yourself throughout the process. Consider the following;
What did you notice about your child as you refrained from offering solutions and instead asked them to create their own possibilities?
How did they initially respond to this approach?
How would you describe your own feelings as you patiently waited for them to come up with possibilities on their own?
If this is a new process for you, realize that it may seem a little awkward at the beginning for both yourself and your child. Try your best to resist the temptation to jump in with your own ideas and advice, allowing your child to explore the possibilities themselves.
Until next time,
Enjoy your journey into Pro-Active Parent Coaching
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Gregory Bland
* Also posted on Christian Coaching Center
More of the “right” words, or different parenting techniques, will never impact our children as much as relationship can.
Influencing Behaviour
A large part of positively influencing your children’s behaviour is through direct and personal communication with them.
Parents sometimes live in falsehood hoping to preserve relationship with their children, all the while they are destroying an opportunity to truly connect and have a real relationship. What role does honesty and transparency play within your parenting, and how has that impacted your relationships?