Pro-Active Parent Coaching

Asking is a powerful discipline for the Pro-Active Parent Coach.  The very act of asking a question sets our children’s mind toward finding an answer and creates space for additional information to emerge. Asking, instead of assuming, leads us on the incredible journey of understanding as we truly learn what our children are thinking, feeling and experiencing.

The purpose for asking questions is multi-faceted:

•  It honors and respects our child’s uniqueness.
•  It supports the development of an open and honest relationship.
• It engages our child’s heart for greater discovery.
• It builds greater awareness within our children.
• It cooperates with our child’s Natural Growth Patterns.
• It keeps responsibility with our children.
• It allows them to enter into meaningful conversation with us.
• It provides opportunity for us to support their growth.

But, asking effective questions is much more than tagging a ‘?’ mark at the end of a sentence.  If I am not careful, intentional, and thoughtful, I can continue telling my children what to do, thinking I have transitioned from telling to asking.

Let me illustrate with some common parenting questions:

“Should you do the dishes before you go outside and play?”
“Don’t you think you’re a bit too young for that?”
“Could you do some homework first?  Then spend some time with your friends?”
and one of my all time favourites,
“You don’t want to do that, do you?”

At first glance one might think these are pretty good questions to ask, but, take a closer look.  Are these really effective questions? Or, are these statements that tell our children what they should do disguised with a question mark?

Let’s take another look at the questions and see what we discover.

“Should you do the dishes before you go outside and play?”
“Don’t you think you’re a bit too young for that?”
“Could you do some homework first?  Then spend some time with your friends?”
“You don’t want to do that, do you?”

With a few words struck out, we recognize that these were not effective questions at all.  In fact, they were questions that told our children what they should do.

Effective questions are most commonly open questions which begin with how, what, where, when, who, or tell me about.

Let’s put this into practice, take a few moments and consider the above questions that tell, but this time, change them and make them open questions that will prompt further thought and consideration by our children.

Questions that Tell	Open Questions
You don’t want to do that, do you?	“Tell me more about this, what attracts you to it?”
Could you do some homework first, then spend some time with your friends?
Don’t you think you’re a bit too young for that?
Should you do the dishes before you go outside to play?

As you transition to asking, consciously think through your questions, and consider, am I asking an open question for my child to consider or am I really telling my child what to do?
Example of Parent Coaching Questions for you to begin using.

Tell me more about ____________.
Help me understand what you are facing.
Help me understand the situation better.
I am not sure I fully understand.  Can you explain that for me so that I can?
When you say, ______________, what do you mean by that?
You said _____________, I am curios what exactly do you mean by that?
When you said, ______________, do you mean _______________?
So what you’re saying is, _________________, is that correct?

What is the growth opportunity here?
What do you feel you need to work on?
What would you like to work on?
Can you explain what you want to do?
What do you want to achieve?

What are 5 things you could do to reach your objective?
What are the possibilities?
What other options do you have?
How will you know when you have reached your objective?
How will I know?
Of the possibilities you have created, which would you like to pursue?
What do you want to do?
What will you do? By when?
Set a time limit for yourself, when do you want to have this done by?
How can I support you through this?
What do you need from me as you work through this?
When can we talk again about this?

Tell me about your progress with ______________.
I know that you are disappointed that you are not further along, but, you’ve come a long way already.  Can you tell me how far you’ve come?
You’re doing great.  What steps do you need to take now to reach your objective?
You’ve done a fantastic job here, what could you do to really celebrate that accomplishment before moving to the next project?
I
Asking Permission
Would it be OK if we talk about that a little more?
You said ___________, that really made me curious, can you help me understand what you mean by that?
You said ____________, do you mind if I coach you a bit on that?
I have an idea, do you mind if I share it as a possibility for you to consider?
Would you like to talk more about that?

Extras
Give me some background, what led up to that situation?
What do you need to do now?
What would you like to do?
Tell me more about that.
When you think about this, what feelings does that stir with you?
You mentioned ___________.  Say more about that.
How are you going to know its God’s will?
Take a moment and put yourself in their shoes – what can you see from their perspective?
What has God been saying to you through this?
What does Scripture say that could apply to this situation?
What is likely to happen if you don’t address this?
What is the first thing you need to do now?

How might your actions have contributed to this?
Since we cannot change the other person, what might you be able to do that would make things better?
If you were going to respond to this situation in the best possible way, a way that you’d be proud of when looking back upon it, what would you do?
What do you need to know in order to make this decision with confidence?
Everyone makes mistakes, what would you do differently next time around?